Learning Love As A Child
As a little girl, I often lay awake at night, imagining what my prince charming would be like. I dreamed of a love that made me as happy as my mother seemed when she smiled. I knew her life hadn’t been easy. My mother was a tower of strength- stern-but loving, independent but deeply caring. Her sacrifices shaped me in ways I am only beginning to understand. Being the second-born and the only girl, I grew up a little spoiled but with an unshakable admiration for her.
Healing I thought, was something reserved for grown-ups. It wasn’t something children needed to do. As a child, my life felt normal. My sibling and I were raised differently than my parents had been. My mother took on the role of caregiver for her younger siblings at a young age. She knew hardship in a way I didn’t. Her journey to healing was forged from pain she rarely spoke of. Her strength and perseverance shaped the woman I admire today.
My father, the first man to love me, also became the first man to disappoint me. He loved me deeply, but he also grew up in hardship. His actions and choices sometimes left wounds that I didn’t understand until much later. Don’t get me wrong—I adore my dad. But when I think of love, pain, and healing, he stands at the center of my understanding of all three.
How I Processed Love As A Teen
As I grew older I always kept that vision of my prince charming coming to rescue me. Rescue me from life and take me to a place of love and just always feeling wanted. Wanted in a way that he saw and knew that I needed. As a teen, I had some boyfriends. One in particular always makes me think of good memories. His name was Mark, people called him Marky. He was so handsome and had such a great smile. I was in high school when I met him during my sophomore year. I remember going to school dances with him. He came by after school to wait with me while I waited to be picked up. How we secretly met at the fairgrounds or events for school. We talked about so many things, life, what we each thought our future would be like.
I had a pretty good few months with him. And then it all suddenly ended in the blink of an eye. All these feelings of joy and excitement just hit my soul. He had died in a car crash. He was my age, and I did not want to believe the news. What was even more painful was that I couldn’t even go to his funeral. I was not allowed to date anyone. My parents were so old fashion and the mere thought of a boyfriend would sent them into a spiral. So every relationship I kept to myself.
Navigating Love In Secret
As grown woman now thinking back to all the past things I have endured. I have navigated trauma and current experiences not to the best of my ability. After all, I am human and I want to take special care of my heart. Under the age of 11 I was abused. That has also shaped the way I view men. Holding on to my feelings and guarding them was my mission. I knew deep down what woman and wife and mother I wanted to be. I wanted to be strong like my mother, and avoid men like my dad. Those are some pretty brutal things to say but that is the world I live in.
The way I was brought up was something I knew I did not want for my children. I considered this when and if I had any. As a teen I had to hold all my relationships in secret and while that was exciting. I did make some horrible decisions, not every guy was a good guy. From these lessons I can teach my girls to be one step ahead of the game. I struggle with trust on a daily basis. None of my relationships were safe.
I started out believing in prince charming. Then after losing the one first guy that was incredible. The dating scene began to feel and start out less magical and more painful. So I knew that the man that I married would have to be beyond my expectations. Now I am not sure that it even exists. But I am learning how to understand Love.
The Journey to Healing
Since this blog is about healing and finding ways to do so. I in turn hope that My daughters can experience love on their own terms. While I help navigate and protect them as best as I can. I won’t be around forever. I’d like that the lessons and talks we have will be engraved in their hearts. This is why it is so important to have great close friends. Keep a good relationship with your children, and find time for self care.
My question to you is. Maybe love doesn’t look the way you thought it would, but does it still hold value in other ways?
My answer to this is, Love is a learning process. The value it has is significant and rewarding. It is worth learning and working on as long as both parties are aligned with the same goal. Then it holds value and is worth the learning process. My teen era of life was definitely the first shift in the way love is easy to enjoy and loose. I am guarded and intuitive in how I share my heart. Coming back to a full circle from early learning of love to teenage lessons to REAL MEANINGFUL LOVE. Embrace love in your own way, despite its complexities. Love is deep and personal.
Thank you so much for joining me today on Kendra’s Journey to Wholeness. I hope this post has inspired you to perhaps create your own blog. Or if you have any thoughts or experience you’d like to share, feel free to leave a comment. And if you think you need help and talk to someone betterhelp.com was my resource. Remember healing is a process, and you deserve to take every step at your own pace. Until next time, take care of yourself! Thank you for taking the time to read. I’m grateful to have you as part of this community.
Click The Qr-code To Browse My Storefront
Stay active at home with this high-performance treadmill! Perfect for walking ,jogging, or intense runs, it features multiple speed settings, a sturdy build, and a compact design for easy storage.
